I'm sitting here trying to work, but all I can think about is cake. Or cookies. Or strudel, or pie or a muffin. Every few minutes, I go into the kitchen and stare into the pantry, my eyes always falling on the ingredients for chocolate lava cake. They mock me.
I keep that stuff in the house for company, parties, and other dessert emergencies. In only 15 minutes, I can make a chocolate lava cake that will make you smash your head into the wall. The only problem is it's a whole cake. And there is no company and no party and no one else wants to "get fat". So I either have to eat the whole thing, or throw the rest away.
Even the dish I make the cake in is mocking me.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Well then
You ever look up an old friend that you don't keep in touch with anymore? And find out that they are awesomely successful at something really cool?? And then look at your own life in comparison....
I have a house, a husband, a cat and a dog. There is even a picket fence! But there is something missing. Me. Who am I? WHAT am I?? I am some sort of freakish chameleon person who had to change often in an attempt to make quick new connections with totally new people every couple years.
"Oh, you like Dostoevsky? Me too!"
"You are into break-dancing? I love break-dancing!"
"You go out into the woods at night to search for evidence of alien landings? That sounds fun! Yes, of course I believe in aliens!"
Now- before you think it- I never lied about liking or being interested in something. If a NASCAR fan had tried to befriend me, there probably wouldn't have been much for us to talk about. I am interested in a LOT of things- I would simply make the other person's interest my MAIN interest while I was around them. Everyone does this to some extent or another. You have your bar friends, your church friends, your basketweaving friends, etc. Sometimes they overlap, and that is boss. By being "everything to everyone" in a way, I got to experience and learn not only about all kinds of hobbies and ideas, but about all kinds of people.
I don't know why, but I have always been able to tell right away if I am going to be friends with someone. Maybe it's just because I make a judgement and if it's poor, I shut that person out. I like to think I don't do that- I honestly try to give every person a chance in conversation and not judge by the clothes, hair or the first few things I hear them say. Sometimes I am surprised by people. Not often, though. I think I've just met enough people that I know exactly what kind of person will bring out the best in me, and possibly I in them. These people are so rare that when I think I spot one in a crowded home improvement store on a Thursday night, I want to run up to them and ask them to tell me a story over drinks. Right then. These people are like gems. Precious and full of luster. There are a few I remember- Train Guy, Chic-fil-A Guy, Secret-Hang-Out Girl, Camp Girl, Favorite-Art-History-Professor Guy. I wasn't even good friends with some of these people- but just knowing that they were out there was enough to make me want to live a more high-def life.
I am afraid of this life, though. I am too critical of the people around me. If I select a person in my mind as a special person, I then have to make time for them. I have to impress them. I have to actually do something with my life. Of course, I will want to- but still. I am sitting in this warm hot-tub. I've been in it too long. I am way overheated and feeling nauseated. But I fear the leap into the pool. What if I meet someone who makes me mad? I HATE being mad! What if I meet someone who needs more help than I can give them? What if something goes wrong? What if someone resents me secretly? What if I break a stereotype or disappoint someone? What if I have to make an effort?
I can barely put a plate of leftovers in the microwave when I get hungry- how am I supposed to get myself to an art meeting in the next town and meet with 7 strangers? WHY did an art society I wanted to create start meeting in a town an hour away?! Majority overruled. It was discouraging.
I also want desperately to BE one of those special people. Those people with a sparkle in their eye and a trick up their sleeve. I think I am that person to a few others- how do I know? Do those unique people know how special they are? I don't think so. I think they just are without trying. Their aura just happens to sparkle in tune to my own- or some bs like that. Or is it more? Is it not a relative thing? Maybe it is an absolute. A universal truth? I feel often that these special people are out of my reach. There are many reasons for this. Often they are quite popular, with possibly hundreds or even thousands of people vying for their affections. Maybe their work consumes them, and they do not have the time or inclination to foster any new relationships. Sometimes I am just intimidated by them or assume they must be too busy and never make first contact. I do not wish to be the drain end of the relationship. I have known drain people. I do not want to be that person.
I know I am rambling- I'm sorry. This post is for me, not you. If you got anything out of it, that's cool.
I should probably get a job. That's a scary prospect. I love working- I hate cruel, thoughtless, entitled, rude, angry people. I wish to understand and "fix" them. And of course that is impossible. So I have critical errors in my brain. It affects me more than, "gee, that guy was a jerk". It's more of a "lay in bed at night wondering what is wrong with humanity" effect. It's like two gears up there trying to make a connection- but they don't quite fit together so they are grinding and slipping against each other making a terrible noise and sparks and smoke and migraines. And that is my brain on work. But I need it. But it's scary and terrible. But also wonderful. The question is this:
Is it worth it?
I have a house, a husband, a cat and a dog. There is even a picket fence! But there is something missing. Me. Who am I? WHAT am I?? I am some sort of freakish chameleon person who had to change often in an attempt to make quick new connections with totally new people every couple years.
"Oh, you like Dostoevsky? Me too!"
"You are into break-dancing? I love break-dancing!"
"You go out into the woods at night to search for evidence of alien landings? That sounds fun! Yes, of course I believe in aliens!"
Now- before you think it- I never lied about liking or being interested in something. If a NASCAR fan had tried to befriend me, there probably wouldn't have been much for us to talk about. I am interested in a LOT of things- I would simply make the other person's interest my MAIN interest while I was around them. Everyone does this to some extent or another. You have your bar friends, your church friends, your basketweaving friends, etc. Sometimes they overlap, and that is boss. By being "everything to everyone" in a way, I got to experience and learn not only about all kinds of hobbies and ideas, but about all kinds of people.
I don't know why, but I have always been able to tell right away if I am going to be friends with someone. Maybe it's just because I make a judgement and if it's poor, I shut that person out. I like to think I don't do that- I honestly try to give every person a chance in conversation and not judge by the clothes, hair or the first few things I hear them say. Sometimes I am surprised by people. Not often, though. I think I've just met enough people that I know exactly what kind of person will bring out the best in me, and possibly I in them. These people are so rare that when I think I spot one in a crowded home improvement store on a Thursday night, I want to run up to them and ask them to tell me a story over drinks. Right then. These people are like gems. Precious and full of luster. There are a few I remember- Train Guy, Chic-fil-A Guy, Secret-Hang-Out Girl, Camp Girl, Favorite-Art-History-Professor Guy. I wasn't even good friends with some of these people- but just knowing that they were out there was enough to make me want to live a more high-def life.
I am afraid of this life, though. I am too critical of the people around me. If I select a person in my mind as a special person, I then have to make time for them. I have to impress them. I have to actually do something with my life. Of course, I will want to- but still. I am sitting in this warm hot-tub. I've been in it too long. I am way overheated and feeling nauseated. But I fear the leap into the pool. What if I meet someone who makes me mad? I HATE being mad! What if I meet someone who needs more help than I can give them? What if something goes wrong? What if someone resents me secretly? What if I break a stereotype or disappoint someone? What if I have to make an effort?
I can barely put a plate of leftovers in the microwave when I get hungry- how am I supposed to get myself to an art meeting in the next town and meet with 7 strangers? WHY did an art society I wanted to create start meeting in a town an hour away?! Majority overruled. It was discouraging.
I also want desperately to BE one of those special people. Those people with a sparkle in their eye and a trick up their sleeve. I think I am that person to a few others- how do I know? Do those unique people know how special they are? I don't think so. I think they just are without trying. Their aura just happens to sparkle in tune to my own- or some bs like that. Or is it more? Is it not a relative thing? Maybe it is an absolute. A universal truth? I feel often that these special people are out of my reach. There are many reasons for this. Often they are quite popular, with possibly hundreds or even thousands of people vying for their affections. Maybe their work consumes them, and they do not have the time or inclination to foster any new relationships. Sometimes I am just intimidated by them or assume they must be too busy and never make first contact. I do not wish to be the drain end of the relationship. I have known drain people. I do not want to be that person.
I know I am rambling- I'm sorry. This post is for me, not you. If you got anything out of it, that's cool.
I should probably get a job. That's a scary prospect. I love working- I hate cruel, thoughtless, entitled, rude, angry people. I wish to understand and "fix" them. And of course that is impossible. So I have critical errors in my brain. It affects me more than, "gee, that guy was a jerk". It's more of a "lay in bed at night wondering what is wrong with humanity" effect. It's like two gears up there trying to make a connection- but they don't quite fit together so they are grinding and slipping against each other making a terrible noise and sparks and smoke and migraines. And that is my brain on work. But I need it. But it's scary and terrible. But also wonderful. The question is this:
Is it worth it?
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