Cake

I'm sitting here trying to work, but all I can think about is cake. Or cookies. Or strudel, or pie or a muffin. Every few minutes, I go into the kitchen and stare into the pantry, my eyes always falling on the ingredients for chocolate lava cake. They mock me.

I keep that stuff in the house for company, parties, and other dessert emergencies. In only 15 minutes, I can make a chocolate lava cake that will make you smash your head into the wall. The only problem is it's a whole cake. And there is no company and no party and no one else wants to "get fat". So I either have to eat the whole thing, or throw the rest away.

Even the dish I make the cake in is mocking me.

Well then

You ever look up an old friend that you don't keep in touch with anymore? And find out that they are awesomely successful at something really cool?? And then look at your own life in comparison....

I have a house, a husband, a cat and a dog. There is even a picket fence! But there is something missing. Me. Who am I? WHAT am I?? I am some sort of freakish chameleon person who had to change often in an attempt to make quick new connections with totally new people every couple years.
"Oh, you like Dostoevsky? Me too!"
"You are into break-dancing? I love break-dancing!"
"You go out into the woods at night to search for evidence of alien landings? That sounds fun! Yes, of course I believe in aliens!"

Now- before you think it- I never lied about liking or being interested in something. If a NASCAR fan had tried to befriend me, there probably wouldn't have been much for us to talk about. I am interested in a LOT of things- I would simply make the other person's interest my MAIN interest while I was around them. Everyone does this to some extent or another. You have your bar friends, your church friends, your basketweaving friends, etc. Sometimes they overlap, and that is boss. By being "everything to everyone" in a way, I got to experience and learn not only about all kinds of hobbies and ideas, but about all kinds of people.

I don't know why, but I have always been able to tell right away if I am going to be friends with someone. Maybe it's just because I make a judgement and if it's poor, I shut that person out. I like to think I don't do that- I honestly try to give every person a chance in conversation and not judge by the clothes, hair or the first few things I hear them say. Sometimes I am surprised by people. Not often, though. I think I've just met enough people that I know exactly what kind of person will bring out the best in me, and possibly I in them. These people are so rare that when I think I spot one in a crowded home improvement store on a Thursday night, I want to run up to them and ask them to tell me a story over drinks. Right then. These people are like gems. Precious and full of luster. There are a few I remember- Train Guy, Chic-fil-A Guy, Secret-Hang-Out Girl, Camp Girl, Favorite-Art-History-Professor Guy. I wasn't even good friends with some of these people- but just knowing that they were out there was enough to make me want to live a more high-def life.

I am afraid of this life, though. I am too critical of the people around me. If I select a person in my mind as a special person, I then have to make time for them. I have to impress them. I have to actually do something with my life. Of course, I will want to- but still. I am sitting in this warm hot-tub. I've been in it too long. I am way overheated and feeling nauseated. But I fear the leap into the pool. What if I meet someone who makes me mad? I HATE being mad! What if I meet someone who needs more help than I can give them? What if something goes wrong? What if someone resents me secretly? What if I break a stereotype or disappoint someone? What if I have to make an effort?

I can barely put a plate of leftovers in the microwave when I get hungry- how am I supposed to get myself to an art meeting in the next town and meet with 7 strangers? WHY did an art society I wanted to create start meeting in a town an hour away?! Majority overruled. It was discouraging.

I also want desperately to BE one of those special people. Those people with a sparkle in their eye and a trick up their sleeve. I think I am that person to a few others- how do I know? Do those unique people know how special they are? I don't think so. I think they just are without trying. Their aura just happens to sparkle in tune to my own- or some bs like that. Or is it more? Is it not a relative thing? Maybe it is an absolute. A universal truth? I feel often that these special people are out of my reach. There are many reasons for this. Often they are quite popular, with possibly hundreds or even thousands of people vying for their affections. Maybe their work consumes them, and they do not have the time or inclination to foster any new relationships. Sometimes I am just intimidated by them or assume they must be too busy and never make first contact. I do not wish to be the drain end of the relationship. I have known drain people. I do not want to be that person.

I know I am rambling- I'm sorry. This post is for me, not you. If you got anything out of it, that's cool.

I should probably get a job. That's a scary prospect. I love working- I hate cruel, thoughtless, entitled, rude, angry people. I wish to understand and "fix" them. And of course that is impossible. So I have critical errors in my brain. It affects me more than, "gee, that guy was a jerk". It's more of a "lay in bed at night wondering what is wrong with humanity" effect. It's like two gears up there trying to make a connection- but they don't quite fit together so they are grinding and slipping against each other making a terrible noise and sparks and smoke and migraines. And that is my brain on work. But I need it. But it's scary and terrible. But also wonderful. The question is this:

Is it worth it?

You know who you are!

I have bee trying to register a new blog tonight to use for my art. I want to call it "Little Grey Kitty" after my, well... little grey kitty. She is always here helping me work by shedding in my paint, or clawing my leg, or scattering little screws or buttons that I have meticulously laid out all over the place. If I'm lucky, I can get her to sleep on a chair next to mine and her little wheezes comfort me.

Anyways, I've been trying to register a name having to do with this- "greykitty", "littlegrey", "littlegreykitty", "littlegreycat", and etc are all taken. And they are all taken by people who either never posted anything, or who's last posts were in 2002. I'm really annoyed at these people who registered a great name and then wasted it. There should be a way to contact them and ask them to transfer the name. (Even if they delete the account, the name will still be "taken" for all eternity, that's how it works apparently). I would even pay them for use of the name.

I guess I will have to try another blog website. I REALLY don't want to do that. It is so nice to have the multiple blogs all linked here. And I HATE wordpress. I started a blog there and it took me several hours just to figure out how to make a new post. And I am not internet illiterate.

Sigh.

Someone's missing a piece

If you are dressed like a prostitute, you may very likely be called a prostitute, mistaken for a prostitute and treated like a prostitute. What is the big mystery here?

Who am I?

If my brain was directly linked with some sort of typewriter device that would automatically write my more wordy thoughts, I would have so many book deals. I can be totally eloquent sometimes. But the path from mind to hand is fraught with many a peril and most thoughts do not survive the trek. Many a good revelation has perished in those woods. I weep for them.

I have not watched Boston Legal since I spoke of it last. I've never been one for dramas. LOST was the only exception, simply because I knew it had a definite end date and the building mystery was pretty enticing. Also, everyone I knew was watching it. I was pretty disappointed in the ending. I won't go into that now- or probably ever.

For some reason I was thinking about the whole Casey Anthony thing yesterday. It just randomly popped into my head. I remember when the verdict was being decided and facebook was completely flooded with everyone's opinion. Apparently, everyone thought that everyone else cared what they personally felt about a person they had never met and knew nothing but speculation about.

I purposefully avoided reading much of the banter along with any news casts and internet news updates about the whole thing. I did read a news article detailing a few aspects of the case which focused mainly on which allegations and details were proven and which were purely speculation.

One "friend" (I use the term only in the facebook sense because I hardly even know this person) said something about how awful it was for a mom to put duct tape on her little babies mouth. Or something more white trashy like "that little baby shouldn'ta never had duck tape put on her little mouth, that's so awful!" The article I read specifically mentioned that duct tape was not on Caylee and that there was no evidence that there had ever been duct tape. I'm not saying I believe the article any more than anything else, but there it is.

I have two thoughts about all these people who glued themselves to this trial. First- how stupid are you that you believe everything you hear on the news. You do realize that it is a network television program, right? A network that relies on advertisers for funding and advertisers decide this based on how many viewers there are. They want your views and your ratings! The world is simply not exciting enough all the time to feed this need, especially when there are several other competing news shows. The news media presents what they think will get the most people to watch. That means riling you up by speculating. Sometimes facts just aren't as interesting. Sometimes, they don't have enough facts to fill an entire hour, much less a day. And sometimes people who don't want you to know the facts have money and the news media is more than happy to be paid off. Even if the news media is telling the truth- it's RARELY the WHOLE truth, and it's very often MORE than the truth.

Second- HOW DARE YOU judge this one woman. Who are you to do this? Unless you are on the jury, you have no right or reason. I aim this mainly to my "friends" who claim they are Christians. I can cite scripture all night about this subject, but you should know them already and if you don't then google it. I'll give you the gist though- something, something, vengeance is mine, says the Lord, I WILL REPAY, something something, forgiveness, something something love your enemies and pray for them, something something, even the man closest to God's own heart was a MURDERER, something something, all sins are equal, something something don't you have anything better to talk about, etc. I was appalled at the level of hate I saw coming from some people. Don't you ever stop and think- I don't know this woman. I don't know what her background is, what her childhood was like, what is truly in her heart. I can't judge her. I do know that she has a soul, just like me, and it needs Jesus just like I do. How can knowing that not just break your heart? We ALL have sinned and are fallen short. Even if you think you have never done anything wrong in your whole life- never told a lie, never treated someone in a way you would not have liked to be treated, never lusted, you STILL aren't good enough and save for the grace of God are no better than Casey Anthony. Get over yourself.

Boston Legal

It's 5 something in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep yet, so I came out to the couch to watch reruns of Home Improvement that come on at 3am Wednesday mornings. Every morning at 5, Boston Legal comes on. Sometimes I catch a few minutes of it on the tail end of a recording of Home Improvement. I noticed I recognized almost every actor in it from other shows I've seen before.

Tonight it came on and since I was watching TV real-time I let it play. I gotta say, it's not a bad show. Of course, I've only seen one episode, but the characters seem so dynamic and interesting yet remain lovable. There's the smooth, suave, logical, good-looking main dude. The doe-eyed, innocent, side-dude. The man-eater. The crazy, scatterbrain woman. In many ways it's like 30 Rock.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I like Boston Legal. There I said it.

herutfghy

i... am.... so.... tired.

i must stay awake now for another half-hour or so. if i fall asleep now, i risk missing a phone call. the call is unimportant, but i suppose it is fairly important that i take it. i dont want to be one of 'those' people. you know, the ones you call and speak to, then hang up with the agreement that you will call again in a short time period. less than 2 hours. you call them again and they dont answer and you dont hear from them again for three days when they finally call and act like no time has passed. act like there is nothing at all wrong or weird about the time they let pass. what is up with that. am i right people.

it sounds like there are people stacking garden tools at both my front and back doors. it helps that our front yard is basically our neighbors driveway. and our backyard is right up in the business of our neighbors backyards. so the houses are close together, what of it. so our neighbor uses his leaf-blower on our front doorstep every few days and blows all the blooms off my plants and knocks over the gnome statue and makes the dog bark. i am so tired right now. i am on a couch that is like a raft buffeted in an ocean of chirping birds, swirling area rugs, antique yellow sunlight, fluttering leaves, dilapidated, half-taken-down christmas trees, and neglected yard-work.

i dont want to feed grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub. the television is muted but the flashing pictures are incredibly annoyingly distracting. are these thousand words worth a picture? is time up yet? i dont know how much longer i can wait for this call i dont even want to receive. the call will determine whether i can finally go to sleep or if i have to get in the car with no air conditioning and try to drive to a destination in the oppressive floridian heat and act pleased to see the people i will meet. oh to suffer a massive stroke right now. i want to forget what the number seven is. I would recover. and by the time I did, people would be used to me not being able to do anything. and so anything I did do, would just be gravy. wouldn't that be gravy?

i have about five more minutes to wait. the waiting is the hardest part. also, wondering what i will say. what will they say? will they have mercy? i predict that they may be oblivious to my distress and that that will distress me further.

there's the call.

oh, they are coming here. no questions asked. oh glory, thank you, thank you.

i bid you all goodnight.

Many things

I have many things I will type about soon.

I'm going to list them to hold your attention (is there anybody out there?) and also so I don't forget.

Sacrificing your family for the good of a stranger.
The yellow jacket nest in my car and the series of events following.
The semi-truck in the neighbor's back yard.
Thoughts on buying a house/being in debt.
Thoughts on they way we should regard leaders and authority figures, especially rulers of our nation.
When I dug a flower bed and we didn't have internet for a week.
When I pooped my pants because I was too busy trying to finish this list.

Later.

Bad dog!

This morning I was having the most delightful dream. I was in a bar with Danny Masterson and we were talking to a woman who was recounting her former life as a meth head and how she was saved from that fate. Cut to me being released from a psych ward. (?) It is a grey, rainy day. I am escorted to a car by an older woman. A child walks next to me and we look at water drops on flowers and enjoy the misty breeze on our faces. Then for some reason we are at a school. (I often dream about schools) We are walking outside the buildings and it is between classes so there are children everywhere and it is very crowded. I am constantly bumping into them, but their images are all blurry, and the roar of their voices is very muted. All I can hear is quiet piano music and all I can see is the red brick and concrete architecture of the old school buildings.

Cut to me and the escort woman in a room. There is an entire wall of windows and they look out onto a rocky bay with waves crashing. I ask her why she can't just leave me alone and she asks if I am happy. I begin to try to explain my feelings. The perfect description begins to weave together- with the most perfect words and metaphors.........

And I wake up. And I try to write some of the monologue down before I forget it. But the dog is scratching at the door so I take him out. He pees and then proceeds to run around to a few regular spots he runs to where there is usually a lizard and generally act dumb and distracted. I then realize that I should have gone to the bathroom before I took him because I am about to wet myself. So I leave him on the screen porch and run to the bathroom. NO LONGER than ONE minute later, I return to take him back out and he has pooped ALL OVER the rug out there. I scold him righteously and put him outside.

I then walk into the kitchen for some coffee. When I get to the kitchen, I smell poo. I check my shoes.. clean. Must just be imagining it. I pour some coffee into a mug and see a brown smudge on my arm. *sniff* *gag* *barf, die, etc* Somehow poo got on my arm. So I washed it like a surgeon washes before surgery and then changed my clothes all the while cursing the entire canine race.

This is why I hate to get up in the morning. You leave the world of peace and rain and surreal vignettes only to be pooped on.

Jolty

So many people with cats may have noticed that their cat likes to hurt them. Whether it's kneading your lap with claws, or the doleful cries they utter whenever you enter the kitchen. "Please sir, can I have some more?"

Our cat likes to hurt us in those ways, but she also bites us on occasion. Really, really hard. She also doesn't make nice, clean jumps onto surfaces like most cat's do. Instead, she gathers her nerve for about 10 minutes, does 3 or 4 false jumps, then finally, performs a semi-decent leap. If the surface is soft at all- like a bed or the couch, she will usually jump half-heartedly and then use her front claws to help pull her up. These soft surfaces include human skin. She will choose skin over any other "jumping aid".

Our bed is very high. Because of this, she always has to dig in and pull herself onto it. However, even though there is a lot of bed that isn't being occupied by people, she won't jump in those places. She always goes for our heads. I usually hear her come in in the morning and I move my head way back from the edge of the bed for just this reason. This morning, I didn't hear her come in and my bottom lip and chin were used as her pull-up.

Last week, she slept on my pillow, behind my head all night. Real nice and cute until I woke partly up at 4am and stretched my arm back and was firmly chomped upon.

Every day she tortures me by wanting to get into my lap. First she'll come to one side of my chair. I can usually hear her come because she kind of wheezes. She stares at me a while, meows a few times. I scoot over, pat my lap and tell her to come on. She does a few false jumps and then goes under my chair. I disregard. Suddenly, she is on the other side of my chair, digging into my leg trying to pull herself up. She will do this all day. Sometimes, she will sleep a few minutes in my lap then jump down, only to return mere seconds later and start the whole thing over again.

She also has some sort of mind-reading device that tells her when I am just about to get up from my chair to do something else. For some reason, that is unacceptable to her (or she's just mean). She will run in, jump in my lap, curl up into a little cat loaf, look up at me and purr.

Sugar Rage

As you may be aware, a "new year" recently began. With this event, many people decided to take a look in the mirror with extra critical eyes and decide that there was simply too much of them. To put it frankly- that they are too fat.

Of course, if you were to stop and ask most women if they think they are too fat, aside from slapping and scratching you, even the thinnest will say something like "well, I could stand to loose a few inches here or there". However, this is just a thing- and it isn't until they step on the bathroom scale one day or go in for a physical and realize that they have reached numbers they hoped didn't even exist that something really serious kicks in.

I often make fun of people who make new years resolutions. Why do people feel this need to continue their bad habits, or put of forming good ones until a certain set date? You know it's wrong/right, just stop/start doing it right now! However, the diet thing I can understand. I mean what better time to try to alter a lifetime of poor eating habits than the season of bountiful deliciousness! That is just a set-up for failure if there ever was one. Instead, have one last hurrah, and five more days to eat up the leftover 7-layer brownies before the cut-off date.

Of course, it can still be done and you would feel so much stronger for getting through it. I started my abstinence a day or two after Christmas (it was just an organic decision, it didn't even occur to me to wait until New Years). I packed up all the left-over sweets (there were A LOT) and stashed them in the fridge so I could send them to work with Gordon when he went back.

Anyways, I seem to be long-winded today. I haven't even gotten to the subject of this post. When I logged into facebook this morning, I saw several posts about weight loss goals, new diets, and even some "before" pictures of people's butts. I always love a good fat butt picture with my morning joe. But I digress. I read a comment made by a friend of mine who said he/she had been following the South Beach diet and it was working for him/her. I've not paid much attention to the South beach diet because it has always been labeled a fad diet, but he/she mentioned that it was developed by a diabetic. I was intrigued by this and went to research.

I landed on the official website and began reading the foods allowed and not. It all looked pretty good, until I got to the part about sweets. I wanted to reach through my computer and punch the website. But I restrained, since that only would have hurt me. It allows sweets, but only if they contain one of a long list of fake sugars, or "sugar substitutes" if you will. Then, at the end of the list, it mentioned stevia- but with a note about it not being approved by the FDA!

Anyone with a television has seen the recent wave of commercials regarding recalled pharmaceuticals, drugs with adverse side effects that were not fully tested, etc etc. Any one of those should be enough to convince you to not trust the FDA about the safety of a product. They are driven by money and nothing more. Whoever has the highest bid, their product receives the stamp of approval. And as long as they can keep the money coming in (ie, keep people addicted), they can afford to hide or discredit any negative information about their own product and terrorize the competition.

Non-nutritive sweeteners are.... well just read this website.
Fake Sugar

It's short, sweet and to the point. (Haha- sweet.) Normally, I wouldn't believe all information on a site that claims: "We've done all the work for you and have put together an easy, informative guide to all the artificial sweeteners on the market." But after all the research I've done, this is right on the money about everything. Please read it if you value your health.

I only have one real-life example of demon sugar at work. Several years ago, my grandmother started consuming diet sodas and generally eating things labeled "sugar-free". In time, we began to notice that she had trouble finishing sentences. Her word recall was suffering greatly. There were other effects, but that was the most noticeable. She was advised to stop consuming these artificial sweeteners. She did, and her word recall was restored, but it never was quite back to normal.

The part about Sweet'n'Low alone should be enough to get you thinking. It was nearly banned, but the public wanted their sweet without the fat. Then read the list of documented effects of aspartame and decide if that is really something you want to start eating regularly.

On down to Stevia- "NO ADVERSE REACTIONS have been described...the FDA has been unwilling to approve the use of Stevia as a sweetener in the United States."
And lastly down to xylitol- "received official endorsements from six national dental associations and certain studies show xylitol helpful in the prevention of childhood ear infections." It doesn't contribute to cavities and is recommended for diabetics. The only con is it may cause gas. What a terrible affliction- I, for one, would much rather have bladder cancer.

My advice, research every nitty-gritty, hard-to-pronounce, unnatural or otherwise ingredient or food that you put in your mouth because the government may not be out to get you, but they certainly aren't out to protect you.

One last note- if you are really concerned about your health/weight regarding sugar, how about just have a peach or banana, you can even drizzle it with tupelo honey if you must. Maintaining your body is about self-control and hard-work. If it seems too easy, then it is. Fake sugar is not the way to improve yourself. You don't need sweets every day! You can do it!

That whole crazy food thing

This past Christmas season was a tornado of chocolate, milkshakes, cake, brownies, chocolate coated peanut butter balls, fudge and many other sugar-saturated sweets. I ate with abandon. With gusto. With glee. And then the effects started to kick in. My body used up the last of it's emergency store of actual nutrients and all hell broke loose as enemy ranks broke through the immunity fortress.

Anyways- I stopped posting what I eat because I forgot, and also because the daily food list would have shamed me and my family. Here's a sample:

- 2 Peanut butter balls
- Frisco melt and fries, cherry coke and turtle chocolate milkshake
- Banana bread
- Copious amounts of coffee with mint-chocolate-truffle cream

It wasn't pretty.

So I went on my detox diet which prohibits sugar in any form, starches in any form (including carrots and sweet potatoes), beans, caffeine, most fruits, most dairy, vinegar, anything with yeasts such as bread and beer and wine (this also includes a vast amount of broths, soups and other products one might not suspect), overly processed meats like bologna, any fungus or fungus containing foods (mushrooms, peanuts, pistachios, melons), and most grains.

I've also added several vitamin supplements, a daily dish of goats milk yogurt, and I drink a variety of herbal teas throughout the day, including a Chinese detox tea at bedtime.

I started cheating on the no caffeine three days in- I couldn't stand the headaches. So I have a small cup of coffee in the morning and some green tea.

I have gone on this diet before, but I was still living at home and it wasn't easy to stick to as I wasn't really buying my own groceries at the time. My parents subsist mainly on canned vegetables (mostly peas and corn, both not allowed), mashed potatoes (also not allowed), breads (again), and small amounts of meat.
This time, I have done really well. It's been over a week now and I've barely cheated. I've even lost 6 pounds. I used to have heartburn and indigestion almost every day but I haven't experienced any this past week.

In another week I'll add beans, starchy vegetables, a limited selection of fruits, and a limited selection of grains such as brown rice, oats and millet back into the diet. I'll also add limited quantities of cream and cheese, but I will stick to almond or rice milk. Chocolate almond milk is really good, by the way!

I've also been phasing out any foods raised/grown with toxic pesticides, antibiotics and hormones which can be especially detrimental to women's health. We are delicate flowers after all.

All this to say, I feel better each day, I've been concocting some of the most delicious meals, and I'm one less person/household supporting the corporate food machine. I highly recommend it and I want to share it with the world.